Not a Life
i officially so missed my besties.
i missed Tyaz for the days where i never ever even think i had a problem. i miss the atmosphere of friendship and the pat in the back that always supported me back then. the fact is that now she finds it so hard to keep patting me on the back. not that i blame her. it's just... no time and sometimes it just.... hard to keep stories with her when it seems like i had a thousand stories to share.
i missed Wiramihardja for the days of our late-skype-nite. i missed the way he asked me about his essay n i sent him my Psych Report. i missed him for his brainstorming advice and the look on his face each time i asked him to put on a smile. he used to set my feet back on earth and came clear about reality when all i do is dreaming way too high. again, not that i blame him either. in fact i'm happy now that he (finally, after the longest time ever) has a date, and that's a guarantee for securing his social life (hahahaa...).
i missed Crystal for daydreaming with her. for a comfort run to the bookstore, for a long and never ending talk and laughter. she's struggling for her hearts' pieces right now and i feel like an inglorious bastard (watch me Tal, that's bastard not basterd... XD ) each time she texted me and knowing i couldnt reply hers. sometimes late at nite, i woke up and prayed that she's fine. that she wont be awaken becoz of her nightmare, and moreover, when i cant comfort her enough. (sigh).
i missed Karina, Aloii n Bom2. i havent seen them in like forever. i missed the laughters we share, i missed the jokes and i missed their silliness. i missed their everything's-gonna-be-alrite-all-u-have-to-do-is-laugh-with-us-so-come-come-here look on their faces. i missed them like crazy, i do.
and moreover, i missed him.
this one is the strangest thing. i hear his voice everyday and it just takes like ten minutes walk to his place, but it feels like it's been ages since our last "talk". i missed him for our quality time. for the longgggg talk and stories, for the hugs and smiles. not that we dont talk. we do. i mean, why did Bell invented phone for?? but it's just different when u call just to let you know where u are, whatcha up to and when u call just to share some stories. he doesnt even know i'm entering a writing match! Geez, he's my boyfriend and i havent had the TIME yet to tell him i'm taking one step further in reaching my dreams.
and my dreams? yeah rite.
sometimes i really want to admit that i dream way too much. But not in a thousand years would i really admit that. That's gonna give Wiramihardja a long time laughter and i'm not gonna give him that pleasure... mwahahahahhahaa....
well, it's just.... tiring and exhausting to run after what seems impossible. knowing it's impossible yet i insisted to run for it yet i dont want to give up yet i'm admitting that yes, i'm tired. that's irritating, really. and feels like ironic.
the worst truth is, i dont know how i could tell them i'm not fine with this. i mean, what am i supposed to say? call Tyaz and tell her "yea...i know Yaz, it's not your fault. But i sort of think you dont support me enough anymore. i know, i know, it's just the condition that should be blamed.. but u know Yaz...i'm missing u here." Tyaz would FLY to my place and i'll make her feel as guilty as if she had killed somebody and put the body somewhere faraway and tell everybody that she doesnt know anything.
okay, that's so overreacting...but u get the point. (sigh).
and Wiramihardja? Tell him rightaway that it's officially much easier to get him online when he was single? Geez he would like, "what's wrong with you?" and hey, it's hard for him to manage his study and social time already. so when he got a date it's so natural that i find it harder to find him.
and Crystal? Walk up to her and tell her like, "You know Tal, have you ever feel like screaming the hell 'WHERE is EVERYBODY??" when maybe she is the one who would gladly tell me, "Hello? where were u when i texted u..?"
and....him....?
i... i dont know, really.
sometimes it feels like i cant feel myself. and that's not a good feeling.
i wish i could just sleep this away and wake up with everything back to normal,
that i dont have to wake up 3 in the morning and post an entry to my blog just to confess that i feel so lonely and cant tell my besties and my boyfriend that i feels lonely. and the worst part is that i dont know how to tell them i MISSED you all with every single cell in my body.
i'd trade anything just to have EVERY SINGLE ONE of you here by my side.
if it wasnt too late for beg Santa for a wish, then i wish Santa would pop Tyaz from Jogja, Crystal from Bali, Wiramihardja from Berkeley, Aloii-Karina-Bum2 from their house and him from his house here to my room, where i could throw my body to their hugs, where i know they would erase my tears, where i know they would look at me asking "what did u do now?", where i know i'm safe, where i could kiss him, and where i could tell them i missed them, i loved them, and it's not a life when they are not here.
happy Christmas...
The Warriors Reminder
btw kali ini gw milih template yang allow comment buat blog nya... jadi feel free yah kalo mo comment.. di template yang sebelumnya gw (berusaha) masukin tempat buat comment tapi sepertinya jalannya memang kurang direstui dan akhirnya malah bikin tulisan blognya malah gak keluar (gaptek mode: on....) nyahahahahhaa...
anyway gw mao share Warrior Reminder nya Erykah Badu.... kata-katanya inspire me some years ago (...and inspires me again n again everytime i read it) of the true warrior inside every single one of us...
The Warriors Reminder
I am awake
My mind is free
I am Creative
I love myself
My will power is strong
I am Brave
I practice patience
I dont judge folks
I give not to receive
I dont expect
I accept
I listen more than I talk
I know I'll change
I know you'll change
I'll hold on one more day
I start over when necessary
I create my own situations
I am cosmic
I dont have the answers
I desire to learn
I am the plan
I am strong
I am weak
I want to grow
I know I will
I take on responsibility
I hide myself from no one
Im on my path
Warriors walk alone
I wont let my focus change
Taking out the demons in my range...
I am awake
My mind is free
I am Creative
I love myself
My will power is strong
I am Brave
I practice patience
I dont judge folks
I give not to receive
I dont expect
I accept
I listen more than I talk
I know I'll change
I know you'll change
I'll hold on one more day
I start over when necessary
I create my own situations
I am cosmic
I dont have the answers
I desire to learn
I am the plan
I am strong
I am weak
I want to grow
I know I will
I take on responsibility
I hide myself from no one
Im on my path
Warriors walk alone
I wont let my focus change
Taking out the demons in my range...
di lagu ini, erykah ngga cuma bilang power nya warriors, tapi dia juga cerita soal weak nya mereka. gw rasa, true warriors itu tahu kekuatan mereka, tapi mereka juga inget kalo mereka punya kelemahan.
so, wherever n whoever you are, you are a true warrior yourself. you just have to wake that warrior up... :)
This Christmas
jadi.... Christmas is coming...!!hohohohoho....~
kebetulan, nyokap gw yang ternyata adalah orang-yang-nggak-sadar-dengan-sense-artistik-nya-sendiri menempatkan pohon itu pas banget sama lampu sorot kecil warna kuning di ruang keluarga di rumah gw.... setelah gw poto dan gw tunjukkin ke nyokap, dia cuma mengerutkan kening dan bilang, "hah? itu di ruang keluarga? kok gordennya begitu ya..?"
GUBRAK. yang dia liat malah gordennya yang padahal menurut gw nggak kenapa2... yasudahlah.. emang instingnya ibu-ibu rumah tangga kali... mwahahahahhaa...
gw..... amat sangat suka duduk di sofa pas malem-malem *untung orang rumah gw kalo tidur kaya hewan piaraannya pak tani di sawah,, jadi nggak ada yang ngeliat gw autis...ngahahahahahhaa....* dan ngeliatin lampu di pohon natalnya kelap-kelip pelan-pelan.... lampu rumah semua mati cuma lampu kuning kecil itu aja yang nyala.... rasanya..... lembut....hangat.... reminds me of the christmas i used to have with my family....
karena satu dan lain hal... rasanya natal tahun ini beda aja (mostly karena bokap gw sakit yah....) dan.... yah harus diakui emang gak se-anget dulu.... jadi... duduk di sofa itu, sendirian, malem-malem (autis..autis... mwakakakakak... XD ) liat lampu di suasana yang setenang itu... it brings back a lot of memories..... :)
di sofa ini juga, dua tahun yang lalu, gw mulai deket ama si kucing. gw inget, di sofa ini, sambil liat pohon natal yang sama, gw sms an ama si kucing non-stop ampe pagi (jangan tanya kenapa bisa begitu...gw juga ngga ngerti...) sambil berdoa, kalo orang ini bakal ngerayain Christmas bareng gw tahun depan, dan tahun depannya lagi, dah tahun depannya lagi.....
dan.... here i am... with two year almost passed... :)
gw sejujurnya agak2 cemas sama natal tahun ini...
cemas mikirin pesan natalnya....
cemas mikirin gw mo ngasihin apa buat bokap, nyokap, ade2 gw and si kucing...
cemas mikirin resolusi gw buat taon depan...
entah kenapa kok gw merasa natal tahun ini penuh kecemasan....
yang, seharusnya kan penuh kegembiraan....
tapi.... entah kenapa gw juga punya feeling kuat kalo something good will happen this christmas....
unexpected.... itu sih kayanya kata-kata yang tepat buat gambarin natal ini...
btw yah, si kucing lagi tepar di rumahnya... dasar kuciing ga seruuuu...!!
lagi liburan dia malah sakit... myahahahahaha... yasudahlah, yasudahlah... gw cuma (akhirnya) rela membiarkan dia tidur luamuaaaaa bangettt biar sakitnya cepet sembuh n kita bisa maen lagi bareng2....
biar ga sama-sama bosen... cobain deh niy Pesonality Test nya ala Dalai Lama.... ngahahahahaha....
gw dapet link nya dari tumblr nya si Crystal....
klik aja di tulisan Tibetan Test nya dia, di post tgl 12 dec... n have fun...!! :P
gw yang amazing gtu ngeliat test nya.... abis bener sih... mwakakakakakaka....
hv fun with ur life folks... ^^
rey:
feel free to use the words n image, but please respect my artworks by credited them back to me n this blog.... thankyou....
rey:
2 days ago, on December 19th i celebrated my year-and-half anniversary with A..!!
so then i made this picture n wrote the words. that totally reflected what i feel inside, because it's true, i never ever could control my heartbeat when i see him comes closer approaching me. or when he looked me in the eye. or when he kissed my forehead. that crazy heart beating never stop and there are ALWAYS butterflies in my stomach.
normal people wud feel that in like..their first two or three months together than it will disappear right?
seems i'm so not normal...
hahaha.... :)
but i feel happy with that so i think it's okay... XD
THANKYOU!
@ andini.tiya...
@ Lenny...
-dear Lenny...should u have ur own page, please let me know so i could link u back... thankyou... :P
thanks for following, gurls...
stay tuned... :)
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