Vie van Allegre

Laugh and Cry

I laugh when i cry. seriously, damn stupid but that is just exactly what i do.
it seems that every time i try to tell my besties a sad story, it just turns out as if i were telling them a joke. and so many times were supposed to be a tear-sharing sessions, in contrary they appeared as a laughters-sharing sessions.

it has nothing to do with hiding things. i am way too comfortable with each of them to feel like i need to hide things that continuously flowing through my mind. i dont feel like hiding from them the fact that i am so mesed up inside. i dont even need to hide the fact that i develop this insomnia-like habit every night, they'll notice it anyway, so i dont bother hiding it.

it just... seeing their laugh bring somewhat a warm feeling across my heart. that i could still share a laugh with them while struggling in my own miserability. altough, it's quite easy to admit that i dont laugh like i used to be. it's just.... by seeing their happy face i think i feel less miserable. by being there to share a laugh i feel less unworthy. by being with them, i feel less lonely.

yet it would always strikes me back at night. and no matter how hard i try, i couldnt get myself to get a sleep. i eat a lot. so much really reaally a lot. it looks like i'm turning into some kind of specimen that feels hungry every 15 minutes.

to be honest, i feel so broken inside. for so many times it is so nice being around my besties, in another times, it feels okay to be alone.

i lose my ability to cry, when crying is the one thing i want to do the most. because it releases the pain. tears and crying relieves part of the burden. and i lost that very basic ability of letting emotions out of my heart.

i'm going to die.

right, as if i'm not already.

Dear A

To Let Go

FORCE

What if, something feels too painful to tell?
For such a reason, i force myself to believe that by not talking about it, someday the pain will just go away. someday it will vanished. someday everything will make sense. someday i'll be able to talk about it and making it sounds like a funny story.

silly. for i spent years on making people see, that such belief is futile. that by holding to that belief, we lose our ability to express feelings. we lose our sense to talk. we lose our value to trust someone else.

yet, it feels like a safe sanctuary. to run away, you see. to not facing it. to hide, in hope when you finally come out, things were different. things were better. things were lighter.

i force myself to do this. why did i say i force? because half of me is fully aware, that this is not the way i handle problems. i'm not running away. i face things. i dont hide. part of me know this is not right, the other thinks it makes sense to hide sometimes. to be afraid. to run away. to feel tired.

i force myself to laugh. i force myself to live my day as nothing happened. i force myself to pretend like things were allright. i force myself not to think about it, i force myself to study. i force myself to go to meetings, i force myself to write. i force myself to do ANYTHING to keep A off my mind.

again, silly. i hug, cheer, listen to so many friends about the typical problem. i gave the same advice one after antoher. i told them not to force themself. i told them to admit that pain is still there. yet i couldnt apply it to me right now. and it's hard. too hard.

i did it so good. forcing myself, i mean. i did it really good. i bake some nice cakes, i even could cook some fettucine, chicken cordon bleu and smoked beef canape pretty well. i got a pretty nice project at college, my grades werent so bad, i'm more than enthusiastic in pursuing my classes, i have some stories ready at hand, i did good with Ballade Pour Adeline... so i think i did it good on forcing myself.

But today, a rush of pain, tears, sadness hit me so hard. and it came from a best friend. funny, she was the only one who noticed something is wrong with me. despite my successful attempt to fake to everybody, she noticed it clearly. everything start from an incident at a peaceful tuesday morning. i had to break a promise i've been waiting for almost a month with her. it was a sudden thing, and i knew she felt so much disappointed. later on, she said i was being secretive, she said she feels like a left-out. she got it half wrong and half right. half wrong for the part of her being a left out, half right for the part i was being secretive. she sensed that something went wrong, but i didnt tell her anything.

like i said, some things are too painful to tell.

but it feels so surprising that there is one person walking the earth who could actually tell that i'm not me, that something wrong is happening to me, even when i think i did it so good with my faking attitude. she outranks Wiramihardja in -i-know-something's-wrong-with-you-spill-it-out-now-dont-fake-anything-and-i-dont-want-any-detail-left-now-speak- department, seriously.

and i heart her so deep. and during these times, her never ending support means a lot. remember i'm, awful with verbally expressing things? so you see, this is one of thousand things i cant express verbally nice.
about being grateful.
thanks to you girl, for being my person and i really meant it. how do you manage to see what i'm successfully hiding from anyone else? :)

so then, her words, suddenly it just hits me. suddenly i feel so sad. suddenly i feel my heart aching so bad. suddenly, i realize, i'm running away all along now. suddenly i realized that i, in contrary with what i've been exclaiming this whole month, am very very very very sad.
i feel sad to the point which i cant explain anymore. "sad" even will not fit in well with what i actually feel. "sad" sounds not enough. "sad" is nothing to compare to what i feel. to what i've been going through.

i'm not overrated matters, really.
because i think it's me. i am the problem.
because this is me, on the edge of giving up on A.

and it goes beyond sad, i assure you that.

My Hands

Random Things

Took the questions from Jude's Little Journal...
out of boredom, i think..

Interested in anyone?
Er. It's kinda hard to tell.

What if your ex says to you “why did you let me go?”
Okay. Skip this.

Last time you had pizza?
A week ago.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
A. via phone.

Would you hug the last person you hugged again?
Yesss..!

Who is the last person who wrote a letter to you?
I cant recall that. must be years. *giggle*

Do you have to check in with your parents before you go someplace?
Yeaah... =.=

Are you excited for anything?
My future project with amazing friends, BATIK (Bangga Akan Tanah Air Indonesia Kita Bersama), will be held on March 22nd and March 24th this year.

Have you ever passed out/fainted?
I think yes, on the day I had an exam. Nice.

Where is the person you miss most right now?
She's in Singapore. Having fun with her Swifty concert. :D

Do you believe in 11:11?
Not really, but I started to do this ritual of wishing on something by 11:11.. I dont even know why.. Credit Jude for that.

New phone or new computer?
Phone!

Are all girls shit talkers and bitches?
What? Of course not.

Are all guys players and cheaters?
I believe not.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Sadly, yes. I do wish.

Have you ever laid on a couch with someone?
*nods

Kissed somebody whose name starts with a J C T or K?
..........T.

If you see a girl with big boobs do you automatically think she’s a slut?
Nooo...

Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating?
No and not a chance.

If you could pack up and move away right now, would you?
Definitely yes.

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
As a matter of fact, no.

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
Yeah, i think i could do that..

Do you smile a lot?
yes. too much sometimes.

Are you short?

It's Called "FALLING"

I wonder why we fell in love. For an obvious reason, it's called "falling", which assuring you of the "pain" it's inflicted. But it's the kind of pain everybody loves. it's the kind of hurt sensation people are searching for.
I wonder then, for what? Finding your "right" person looks like an endless quest, or is the "right" person does really exist?or do we think "right" person exists because everybody else think he does exist?
that's a lot of "exist" word I'm using. xD

I think, falling in love does bring a nice feeling. But everytime you fell in love, chances are you're going to be with that person forever, or someday you'll realize this is not working and you've been hurting yourself or your partner's heart. Either way, both those chances inflicted "pain" as a result of "falling" and we still then challenge our selves to keep falling in love. to keep falling in love to the person you sure you'll end up with forever or to keep trying and fall in love again with someone else, who's maybe, just maybe, is finally your soulmate.

Sometimes i think it's kinda......... stupid.
but to fall in love is such a long journey and men have proven the power of love in various situation. the power of love brings Peter Pan back to "life" even if he knew Wendy must left. Even if he knew Wendy's choice was different. the power of love let Landon stays around Jammie Sullivan and keep his "walk to remember" routine even after years of Jammie's past. the power of love keep Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore stays strong together, even when the whole world goes against them. and the list will go on and on.

But then, i still havent found the very reason why do we fell in love. do we have to? if we believe that it's no more than a way of hurting yourself, could we choose not to fell in love? or would we just "fell" without any warning, any insight, and any prevention?

Sometimes i think, maybe because the thrill. the thrill that at the beginning of the journey, we don't know yet how it was gonna end. If i was an alien and i'm studying the life of human being, i would dearly stated that mankind should've been well-known for their capability and willingness to hurt themselves, and they refer that as "love".

So, what do you think? What is your reason to fall in love?

The Point of Madness