keep crying

Rey Lasano 10:58:00 PM
i keep crying. i really dont know what to do and how to end this.
when leaving is so hurt and keeping up is just as bad.
like i dont have any options. why i write it here? no worries folks, he wont even read this. he doesnt even remember how to spell vie-van-allegre. so, 90% chance is it wont make much difference on writing it here or not.

i wish someone would make this stop.
the crying, i mean.
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Afraid

Rey Lasano 11:36:00 AM
Maybe love was just an illusion my heart was playing on me. Or, as Peter Parker said it, our minds play tricks on us.
Have you ever wonder whether someone as gentle and soft as Peter Parker really does exist....? Somewhere in this world.....? Everybody must fell in love in an instance with him, and somehow that makes somebody like him is really hard to find.

u know what folks? Suddenly i think that love is merely a dream. A dream and nothing more. And like every dreams, a sweet one or a nightmare... you ought to wake up someday... When you wake up, the world seems patiently smiling and says, "Good mornin kiddo. Glad finding you finally wake up. Welcome to the grown-ups club."

When you engage in a relationship guys, what do you expect? What are things you hold tightly, and what are those you willingly let go? I think, loving somewhat has to be a feeling to be free. it is what makes you get out of bed each day, a feeling where you feel so comfort, even if it means you just watching someone from behind the wall (hahahhaha...), even if it means you cant have him to be together with you. at least, his back is forever yours...
But a relationship guys? It's a total different story from just "loving". Somehow, engaging in a relationship is something much much much more complicated than love itself. Often hear people talking about love as a complicated thing? See if you finally engaged in a relationship. It doubles the complicated things, seriously.

Part of me hate myself for saying this. The other part insisted that this is right.

of things with kucing, i've been told a thousand times by my own heart, that i am just denialing facts i've already known. Facts that he, in one hand has not love me the way i think he had, and in the other hand he's been fenialing that himself.
Facts that, the space between us has been too wide and i kinda feel like it is too late to do anything with it..

But.

But what if even i've been told about that a thousand times, the other part of my heart told me TEN THOUSAND times that i love him still, that we can together work this out.
full of doubts, that is what i'm feeling. doubts about me, about him, about us....
Because, look, there are too much dreams we've share. Too much time we used to paint tigether our future. I have put all my faith in us. To lose it so easily, it almost feels like a never ending nightmare. And it hurt. Badly.

it's like there is this.......hole... hole and feels so...empty, like i've lost something so important. something that really is a part of myself... why does this love things have to come so complicated??

i feel like... i feel like i cant feel anything. Life is about to choose, i know that. and sometimes you have to choose between turning the page one more time or just close the book. But that is where life and love is really really really complicated. Because, there are mistakes you cant correct back forever.

say, how could i not be afraid?
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to where you are

Rey Lasano 5:40:00 PM
Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant stars
I wish upon tonight to see you smile
If only for ɑ while to know you're there
ɑ breath way's not far from where you are...

Aloii told me that this beautifully sad song were written for the 9/11 victims.
The song is really sad... Yet I feel it IS ɑ very beautiful song. I feel somehow
It painted ɑ very deep feeling of longing to someone, to somebody...

I just think it reflects ɑ feeling I can't put to words.
Looks likel Richard Marx and Linda Thompson plus the sexy Josh Groban
have successfully put every drop of tears and feelings I wish I could share..
I love this song.


And the story behind that song too...
I prayed for every victim η their family...
Let's keep them alive safe and sound beyond our memories and drems.

P.s. Thanx Aloiina (hepy-mii.blogspot.com) I love u girl.....
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A Teenager Still

Rey Lasano 8:50:00 AM
Hrrm....
i keep my head pretty busy these days..
dont ask why, it just happened.

there are like a ten thousand things i know would not go the way i want them to.
somehow things that were so simple turn out to be more than just "complicated".
"chaotic" perhaps fits better.

i'm not saying that there is no happiness at all. in fact, i found little gifts life gave me to stand my ground. gifts like a weird and fun photo session with my girls, gifts like a CRMINAL INVESTIGATION book ( a super cool and full color book with simple language) Crystal suddenly gave me (oh i love her), gifts like the fact i've been accepted to the Volunteer Team at my college yesterday (YAAAY...!! *jiggy dance), gifts like finally i'll start the skating class today (YIPPIEE YAAY...!! *jiggy dance one more time!! :P :P ) gifts like i finally got the time, ingredients and recipes for a Lasagna (i'll let you all know if it's a success..to be honest, i dont really have any idea what to do with a bottle of tomato sauce, pieces of packed lasagna, and a half kilo of minced beef.. hahahahaha...oh, and dont forget the cheese!! *giggle)

to think about that, i really should be thankful of my life..
but a few things have come and forced me to stand back, and behind being thankful, also to re-think about things i used to believe, i used to trust, things where i thought i was right.
looks like i cant fight the world with only my egoistic idealism.
is "egoistic" an english word? *lol. whatever...you know what i mean folks... :)

someone ever said this to me:
"someday even a little girl like you would have to grow up."

and somehow i understand what he meant now. growing up. not a little girl anymore.
to be honest, what's really make me upset about all this grown-up issue is that,
i have to let go so many things and received the other things.
those other things dont even worth a half of things i have to let go.

so, i concluded that i dont want to be a grown-up.
i really really dont want to.
i remembered i ever told dad this. and he said, "even if you dont want to, you will eventually be. either you like it or not, and either you realized it or not."

and damn, he doesnt even be here when his prophecy finally comes true.

upset?
yes i am.

pissed of with life?
hell yeah.

confused?
damn right.

.....but still happy?
hate to admit, but yes.

see? i dont know how so many people say that i'm only a little girl (kucing said that maybe my petite body size encouraged people to think like that. geez, i should have a psychological-research on this. see if body size affected people's judgment on your maturity).
the point is, i dont know how they say that i'm only a little girl while they expecting so much for a maturity from me. people really think that i am a late twenties girl in my mind with a ten years old girl in my body.
for goodness sake i'm not really ten years old (altough i would very gladly to stay 10) and i'm not even 20 yet. i'm a teenager still with confused feeling like any other normal teens, and an unstable emotion like any other normal teens with high dreams and reckless behavior like any other normal teens in the world.
but hello, trying my best to act mature and dating someone five years older than me doesnt make me an ADULT in an instant blink.

looks like people have a hard time to understand that.

and...
urgghhh... i have a tons to write but the alarm with "bathtime" writings in my cellphone wont stop bugging me with its noise.
i so have to gotta go folks.
got this and that assignments waiting with the girls...

so till next time then.
be good and cheers today..

oh, and wish me luck with my skating class! have fun.. :P
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Aku Ingin

Rey Lasano 8:10:00 AM
Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu
kepada api yang membuatnya jadi abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan awan
kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada

-Sapardi Djoko Darmono-
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happy bday Wiramihardja!

Rey Lasano 11:22:00 PM


W, i present you with a delicious n yummy choco banana cake complete with the bday cake..! :P
make a wish..
1...
2...
3...

...happy bday bestie..!!!!
wisin u every sweet n nice blessing..
have fun today and enjoy the blast...

p.s. i'm proud of contacting u by 4 a.m. i really am.
it's one typical sign of me as ur bestie u know!
u shouldve start worry if i'm not waking u up that early..
hahahahahhaa..
:P
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Explofing My Head

Rey Lasano 10:14:00 PM
okay. count to three and i'll explode my head.

1...2....3..!

BANG!

Where is Dr. Derek Shepherd when i need him the most?

i'm so dead folks. really dead, literally.
see, my friend confessed her darkest secret (really dark like i cant say anything else to explain more. and to be exact, i truly dont know how to react. you must think that i should've been so used to this. but believe me, i'm not. even if i am a proud student of psychology).

then, when i need him the most, i cant contact my bestfriend. he seem so busy like he forgot one of his besties is dying down here. not that the others didnt support me, but it feels i'm missing somethings when i didnt tell him... things....

the other thing, i passed that statistic II, oh i do thanking God for that..... but see... i think i could've score higher....

the next thing, my boyfriend is driving me crazy. now i dont know who is crazier between us. whether it's just me who is being oversensitive, or is that him who never ever realize the reality of him being so ..........complicated...

name the other problems. i could list you with a thousand things.
i'm so a magnet to troubles.
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