Some Hearts, Some Life, Some Souls

Rey Lasano 7:35:00 PM
Dear readers,

Hello. :) Greetings everyone! This is my very first post (finally) after a super long hiatus!
But as far as I can remember, I did tell you all that i'm gonna be away on a super fun trip. *grin* After I got home, i found like a stack of things to do, most of them revolves around the preparation of my study in Japan *yaay!* so i hardly find time to do.......... almost anything else.

I know i should post like a million things about the super trip. But there is something more important than that today. Beside, by my stupidity, i left all those gorgeous photos in my auntie's computer (yes, in Bali) and i dont feel like filling you all with the trip stories without having any photos to show. :D :D

These past week, i've been spending a lot of time with my family and friends. i've been hanging out with Jude, Loince, Bom2, Rinane, Dee and, uh, i've been hanging out with A. Part of me thinks i really am tortured. For each time i go out with them, i cant help to think that, oh man, i'm gonna miss these moments. Even tough everyone been telling me that a year is not really a long time, still, there are A LOT of things could happen in that period.

Bom2 had her birthday around four days ago, and me and the girls prepared a birthday party (which turns out to be a total failure, blame it on bom2's daddy, who innocently and deliberately told the birthday girl our whole plan of surprise. seriously. -_-). Her family (her mother an exception) has a tendency to think that we, as her friends, might do something bad to their lovely daughter that they thought they should interfere with our plan so bom2 would at least be prepared.
.................... we were like: WHAAAT!?? eerh.
note to myself: never ever again involving her daddy and brother, unless we want it to be another major failure next year. gosh. :D
But it was still very fun and we had an amazing night (or should i say dawn?) and we used this flour to throw at each other and by the time we stopped, you could hardly tell which one is actually the birthday girl.. ahahahaha...

I was happy, but by the time we go to bed, i was actually sad. I thought this... this is one of those moments i'll miss. this is one of those times, where there were laughs and smiles everywhere, where love and best friends surrounding me, where you know everything is just all right. and you feel so warm and happy and all.

They are my comfort zone. Yes, they really are. Yet again, i want to grow, to do what i want to do and to be a mature girl. i want to see the world, i want to be able to reach to so many people and i can not do this as long as i stay in my comfort zone. they said we have to go through fire and water to grow even more beautifully. i know this is selfish, but cant i just grow inside my comfort zone..? T_T

I've been always saying that i cant live a day without my besties. I've been always saying that i treasure them so very much and i dont want to trad them with anything in this world, that they are literally my happiness and i dont want to let them go.

But then........... even if i dont go to Japan this year, even if Loince's dad stay here in Indonesia for another 20 years, even if Bom2's family move to Jakarta....... we wont stay here forever. Each of us will find our roads, take our own paths and we will never stay at the same place. I do realize that, but i still think that it would be so nice to grow old together, that we walk side by side, watching things change, watching each other grow and always be there.

We dont stay here forever. We are people who will make changes, agent of change who will bring the breeze of peace and dream and we'll transform the world. we can not do that by staying here forever, we gotta go, we gotta run, we gotta reach our dreams.

I.. actually really understand that. In time like this i'm just praying and hoping and believing, that some hearts are linked across time and place. some life are intertwined through the ages. some souls are bound across the highest sky and widest ocean.
and that "forever" may not be an "eternity", but it might be to hold each other close to your heart when they are far from your eyes.
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It Is Hard

Rey Lasano 10:46:00 PM
hey all, so here i am.. it's almost 11 p.m and i.. uh, kinda cant sleep so i think maybe (again) i could write something to at least release a small piece of million things i feel right now.
the good news is, it's officially holiday! the bad news, it doesnt feel like one. not even close.

First, i still have two more Japanese exams, on Friday and Saturday. and it's pretty tough, i think. i'm struggling with the grammar, i dhavent mastered all the Kanjis and i kinda feel like i'm so stupid right now. but i do believe i actually have no reason on complaining. after all, these exams was actually tools to help me see if i could at least speak and understand what people are saying out there in Japan and minimize the possibility of total mutism once i got there.

Second thing why this holiday doesnt feel like one? because i'm surrounded by grief. literally and seriously. My uncle died in Batam. the next day, my best friend's father died - all of a sudden, some days after, Hoseki's bestest friend was gone too.
this is crazy and ridiculous. i faced so MANY tears this week.
I cant help but feel jumpy when my phone rings on unusual hours. it would just rushed in my mind, the thought like, Oh God, please not another bad news. please please please.
Grief is a.................. it's a force that have the power to put people on their weakest point, and it left scars that needed a massive amount of time to be healed. not nice, really not nice.

i wished upon a different holiday this semester. i imagined that my friends were all in a very good mood, and we could visit some nice places out of town and chatting and sharing and laughing at each other and having some fun.
i wished i would spend HOURS with my besties on making a list of what to bring to Japan, where i could get them and checking the list again.
i wished A will still be here by my side and things were just the same.
most importantly, i wished Dad is here.

it's kinda hard to tell, but i'm really not that good in explaining my emotion, in telling people how i actually feel. it is far easier on telling facts than telling feelings i feel. it's kinda easier to tell how A turned into someone i dont know. it's easier to tell the fact that i bought my first winter clothes and i really like the coat. it's easier to tell the fact that my Dad's grave is almost ready with benches and photos and all.

but it's hard, to explain how i feel so sad about A. it's hard to explain that tough he wasnt the man i once knew, i still feel he's a part of me. that i never regret any single moment, the good and the bad ones with him. and it is totally hard to explain that i still cant get over him.

it's hard to explain that i am scared on going to Japan. it's hard to tell my friends that i can not live by MISSING things, everything about them. it's hard to explain i cant stand a day being so far away from my mum. it's hard to explain, i really dislikes the idea of sleeping alone, like nobody i knew well is in the house. it's hard to explain that for me, they worth A WORLD. and it's kinda hard to make them simply understand, i DONT WANT to trade them with anything in this world.

and it is terribly hard, to explain, that through all times, i want my daddy here. i want him to see me. i want him to tell me things. i want him to feel proud, and i want to see his proud face. he doesnt even know im going to Japan and talking to his grave is different from talking to him directly. it is hard to explain that it is hurt, that through the gift on seeing things that are unseen, i never saw him. and for the first time in my life i beg so this gift could help me see his face. it feels so difficult on whining and crying into someone, crying that i miss my father so much. that part of me feel like life isnt worth it without him here. i looked up to him ALL THE TIME and he's gone before i managed to become someone worth for him to feel proud. i am growing and he left. i wish, dear God, i wish i could see his smile. i wish, i could hear his voice, i wish he is with me. i wish, i wish he doesnt have to go.

and it is the hardest, on locking these things in my heart, not because i dont want to share it, not because i think nobody would understand, but simply because i dont know how.
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Peri Air dan Pangeran Salju

Rey Lasano 9:29:00 AM
I've just posted my first story to Lukisan Kata. It's called Peri Air dan Pangeran Salju. It's in Indonesian and if you feel like it, just hopped on to the blog and read the story of Eric and Kate.
It's been pretty a while since i wrote a story and i feel happy upon finishing the project. I miss writing for Pena dan Cerita, though. It's been pretty a while and i guess all of the contributors are pretty busy to write right now. *sad*

alas, when i wrote the story for Lukisan Kata, a.k.a. this morning, i was really happy! The exams are going to be over soon and i hope that means holiday and holiday means fun and fun means fun again!

i think Peri Air dan Pangeran Salju is pretty a cheesy story, but i kinda feel that it happened all the time. here and there, now and back then.. so although actually it was not my very own personal experience, i am glad i'm done with the story and i hope people can at least smile while reading it. :D

i put two or three words of Germany, out of my own curiosity on learning languages, i really like Austria and the idea of spending a week or two of holiday in there. :D

that is all, folks. i just dropped by to let you all know that i am really happy and feel blessed today.
you too, go out there and have a super day!


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To Wherever Life Leads Us Both

Rey Lasano 11:27:00 PM
Awww...! I'm in final week of my semester! I'm facing like three exams ahead and then off to HOLIDAY people. *dancing dancing*
my exams including that undergrad theses is literally CRAZY. But i'm glad things goin pretty smoothly and i have submitted my final proposal for undergrad theses and i feel so thankful to God and i'm proud of myself and i love my friends even more, especially Aloince for her endless support and hugs and "you'll be okay" words since the very beginning. i still have another exams to face but i feel even lighter by now. so here's another update to celebrate the coming holiday!

Update #3
To Wherever Life Leads Us Both

remember Kevin? yep, last May 29th to June 3rd he was back here, in Indonesia, in Jakarta. i was really glad that after some years i could touch and see his physical form, literally. :D
and he was exactly as how i've always remembered.

i went to his house and we commented on each other's look, we talk about movies and stories and his graduation and then he asked me about me and A. i knew that this topic will somewhat popped up and i was just.. "weeelll... you knooow..." and he was just like "What?" and it came to the point that i have to tell him everything. it was nice, though. explaining thing like this was kinda hard to do via email and phone calls. and when i told him that i think i dont know A anymore and that we just dont fit, Kevin was laughing. and he said, "Do you really need those three years to figure out that you both dont fit in? that is ridiculous."

and............... to think about it, he did make sense. i needed those 3 years to figure out that A...... is a whole different person from who i think he was.

and when i didnt answer, Kevin said, "Ri, you dont seriously want me to believe that it is the reason of your break up? that you find you dont fit each other? shouldnt this happen like two years ago?"

and again, he did make sense.

so i just said, "but that is really what happened and what i felt."
and Kevin didnt say anything and at this point he stared at me and asked, "okay, so it's time for a serious conversation."

so that man didnt consider the topic about my broken relationship with A as a serious conversation. i think maybe that time i could've just smack him down. but alas, he was not really sure about A from the beginning so maybe it was a predictable results for him and so he wasnt surprised at all and he wasnt really interested on discussing the topic even deeper.
some part of me think he maybe feel so not comfortable listening on how A change into someone i dont know anymore, because while i was telling him the.. uh, unbelievable stories about A, he suddenly said, "okay enough." and he didnt want me to tell anymore stories about A and me.
so we changed the conversation to a so-called "serious" conversation. he was asking why i didnt tell him earlier about my dad being hospitalized and all. and he stated that he was surprised to hear the news about my father because he had no idea that dad has been hospitalized for almost four days before........ before it happened.
i apologized for that and i began telling him the chronology of the event. and it was kinda hard because i fought my tears back and i told him that i think im gonna cry and he said, "no, dont." i know maybe for you he seemed so rude and kinda lack of empathy, but seriously, i think deep down inside Kevin is one of the most kind hearted person i've ever knew. he was just limited by his total dysfunction on using words and expressing emotions and feelings. he's literally retarded on those emotions and feelings thing, and since i've been friends with him for a pretty long time i managed to distinguished which one of his words that are totally and really rude and which ones are actually a form of sympathy from him.
and after i told him everything he just sat there in silence, and i know he doesnt know what to say. but he said this, "Ri, you know me, right?" and he kept repeating itfor like 4 or 5 times and then said, "I..... i really.. i dont know how to say this, okay? I dont know how to make you feel better. i dont know what to say. but you do know me right?"
and i laughed, i said yes i do.
and then he said that it was awkward, that dawn when he called and i was crying and it was really an awkward call because he has a girl in his line crying to him and he didint know what to do.
and i touched his hands and i said, "the message is clear. i got it. and it means a lot for me."
and he kept repeating the same lines over and over again: you know me rite? you do know me rite?

all my years being friends with him, i know that he would only repeating things he said under these conditions:
1. he's trying to emphasize something really important
2. he's anxious or scared.

and so i said, i do know you and being there was enough, more than enough.
he was still not sure and he said that at first he was reluctant to call me. he said that he thought it would be so much better if he just wrote me an email. and by that way he could at least talk longer because via phone, he really had no idea on what to say.
and i laughed once again and said, but you did choose to call, why was that?
and he was like, "what? well because.. well... it was just more "direct" to you."
and i said "yes, and by that you've been there with me and i feel okay about that."

and that makes me heart him even more, because i know that he does care. that he wishes he could say something wise and nice to comfort me.

all i wish now is that he knows that he's done more than enough. and the persistence he showed to make sure that i do know him and his limitation on verbal area, is another proof to me that he is really my bestfriend. and i treasure him so very much. i really do.

at first, i was really sad knowing that next year i wont be here, and even if he wasnt sure he could come back here in 2011-2012 year period, some part of me wishes that i am here if he comes back. but then, i think, we've been friends along these years and we've prooved that even across the ocean and across the countries, we are bestfriend still. and to notice that when we finally meet person-in-person and it was always feel the same, never awkward, never boring, i do believe that even if years and places separate us, we will stay the same.

and so to you, Wiramihardja,
to wherever life leads us both,
i'll be right beside you and you'll be right beside me and things are always gonna be fine.
cheers to whatever you're doin right now, and .........thankyou.
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Three Trips Ahead

Rey Lasano 3:09:00 PM
The government of Indonesia has announced a public holiday from Thursday, June 2nd to Sunday, June 5th. But my college is one of those sometimes-stupid college who ignore the government's rule and FORCED me to attend those classes.
Like I care. ahahahhaa....
My perfect holiday is actually ruined because this particular lecturer asked us to hand in that stupid assigments on her desk by 2 p.m. When every one of us frown, she said it was because she wouldnt be there by saturday and she would want to read our test interpretation by monday. I dont know which one is freakier:

1. My lecturer brings home piles of test interpretation report on weekend (we were suspicious that seeing graphics of personality and maladjustment is her main form of recreation) or,
2. I still care and did that stupid assignments with all my heart.

Nevertheless, I'm home at last and feel so stupid by just coming to the campus, put the paper and head straight back home, particularly because there was nothing to do, really. So I think this might be also a great time to fill you in with another update. Ready? :D

update #2
Three Trips Ahead

My uber cool auntie is getting married this July and me and mom and my brothers planning on being there witnessing her sacred vow in......... BALI..!
say wow, say woow...
after a few visits to Bali, I actually think that Bali is.... the exact place you wanna go to spend your money all for nothing. Of course if this is your first visit then ignore me. But if this is your third, then you really have to think of something more than Kuta and Tanah Lot Beach.

So bearing that in mind I asked Rio whether he wants some adventures. We could ride up with his car and go to Bali over land route. Rio seems pretty excited, saying that he would expect the beautiful scenery and the fun while we were on our road trip. I'm also excited as well and we were trying to get mum to join us but she was like: "what? land route?? not a chance. nu-uh. count me out." Well since this is a real fun we still have at least 2 weeks to persuade her. :D
I'm searching the information on which places should I visit after attending auntie's marriage in Bali. I want to visit those places other than Kuta and Tanah Lot then do other stuffs beside learn how to surf, making a temporary tattoo or playing banana boat. I havent figured out yet what are those places and what are those things i would love to do, but i think this is quite interesting and i am lookin forward for the trip!

Another coming fun..... Herman senpai (the guy who got the scholarship to KANDA 2 yrs ago) invited me and Rini (the girl who will fly to Japan with me) to join them in Misaki chan and Chinami chan's farewell party. So Misaki and Chinami are the exchange students that has been studying here for almost a year. they probably will be leaving Jakarta soon so Herman senpai and his friends are organizing the farewell party which will take place in........ Tidung Island. Gee, that was like one of the most beautiful island in Kepulauan Seribu...!

this is not a very clear picture, but the place was surely very beautiful. and i love beaches..! the sand, the water, especially clear water like in Tidung island, the smell, the sun set, the sun rise, i love everything about beach! One annoying issue is because i.. dont know anybody there except Herman senpai and Rini. Rini even hasnt cinfirmed yet whether she is really gonna join the party or not. but when I told Herman senpai about this he started lecturing me about doh-i''ll-introduce-you-to-everyone-stop-being-sily and all. so yeah, this probably gonna be a very beautiful trip, i hope...

and........ the BIGGEST TRIP to do is................

the trip Jakarta-Jogja-Surabaya with Jude and Indra...!
*yeah yeah yeeaaaah*

This takes us back again to the 2011 resolution post "I'm Amazing Just the Way I am". My 6th point of resolution was to travel to Vietnam with Jude. But as we considering everything, we thought it will be much better to travel Indonesia first before we travel the other countries. Some weeks later Indra came and join us and that makes me feel even happier...
I barely know Indra but he is really fun to be with. It's easy to be friends with him and he's also close to Jude so i think we all gonna be a super fun travel companion.
So we will set from Jakarta to Jogja, stay there for 3 days and then depart to Surabaya. We will also be staying there for 3 days and I AM SO EXCITED waiting for this semester to be over (gosh. i have that undergrad theses to be done this week. -______-") and fly to those nice cities.. My mum was like, "You....... are going to travel a lot. do you realize that?" and i was "Yes ma'am..!" I LOVE DOING this. more than i thought before, more than i can explain.

So it was settled then, I'm gonna have some fun travelling fun places with fun companion and i want to do it soon!
sure then i have to make it through the last weeks of this semester and that is so not comfortable. yet to be thinking that i'm gonna spend the entire two months exploring places with my friends is surely something so worth it to be waiting for..!

that is all for the update today folks..
kisses from the stars!


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Winding Road to a Dream Comes True

Rey Lasano 2:57:00 PM
Super honestly, i am quite pissed off right now. To think about it, i almost never write the blog in a state of............ dont-touch-me-i'll-bite-you-in-a-second. But figures that writing has always been my sanctuary so i think why dont i try to write things here.
I dont really want to talk about what upsets me so bad, so i think we can talk about some things worth to write and seriously more important than talking about the thing - or specifically the human being that being so damn selfish and careless and so ungrateful. Something more exciting like......... remember my post around early January? It's called "I'm Amazing Just the Way I am"? It's okay if you dont remember or havent read it yet. :D
In short, in that post I wrote about my 2011 resolution and since I havent been updating the blog for like forever, this would be the right place to start filling you in with updates of my life.

Update #1
Winding Road to a Dream Comes True
My 8th point in 10 resolutions of year 2011 is.............. Capture that scholarship to Japan.
and good gracious I got it!!! Praise be to the Lord because it was HIM who gave this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me to step in the holy land of Japan. *crying*

this is JAPAN people. J-A-P-A-N. to tell you the truth, to this day i still believe that this is not real. This must be some kind of a dream or a not-so-good fairy godmother is playing tricks and spell on me that when i finally BELIEVE this was true, I'll wake up and find myself daydreaming in my class. AGAIN.

But if this is really just a dream, then it is one of the sweeeetessst dream i ever got.
For real guys, I'll be spending ONE YEAR in Japan. My departure is scheduled on August 30th and I shall come back here early August next year. This is an exchange student program from my home university with Kanda Gaigo Daigaku in Chiba, Japan.In English it simply called KUIS - Kanda University of International Studies. I searched for some pictures in the web and find that most likely the place where I'll be studying language, history, cultures and Japanese literature would look like this:


I think it's pretty amazing!! And I am really super excited, nervous, happy, worry all in the same time. I was already informed that in Japan I'll be staying in a campus dorm, with another international students.My senior said that there were a lot of international students from different places bringing different cultures like Brazil, Mexico, UK, Korea and so on and i was just cant wait to experience those myself.
The campus is located in Chiba. It was not far from Tokyo, approximately 40 km from the heart of Tokyo, which makes it still in the same district with the country's capital, the Kanto District. The city was famous for its sunset view and its longest monorail in the world as noted by the Guinness Book of World Record. Now that's a WOW. Here is the picture of the monorail:

image from here

they also have beautiful parks that actually....... have nothing out of ordinary but really are nice places to visit when the Sakura flowers are blooming around Spring. The photographs on your left was taken from here. It was Autumn, I think, almost in winter, and those are Gingko trees you're seeing. :D

My seniors told me that Chiba is pretty an interesting city, and it is actually quite near from everywhere. The transportation access were excellent and they say I have options to choose on how will I travel around the city. I of course looking forward to see those amazing places i've been dreaming on visiting and I really cant say how this blessing is............ really unbelievable.


You know guys, beyond this happy and excited and thankful, I also feel....... a strange sadness inside.
I'll be away from people I love. From my mum and my brothers. from Jude. from Hoseki.
from the girls at campus. I love them, i really do. And to think that I'll be away from them......... it's kinda a torturing feeling you know. People keep talking on using YM! MSN, Skype, and everything and there a million ways of communicating with them. But still......... to have them by my side for real is soo much different from having them by internet and phone calls.

The more it gets closer to my departure the more anxious i am. or should i say i'm actually............... really sad. I'll miss A too. altough it's not really good in romantic way for us, i still think he is a very nice bestfriend. and it is comforting somehow to think that should anything goes wrong, he's just a block away from me.
And Jude? man, really. FOR REAL. WHAT am i gonna do without her around? Through things she's been with me to knock off some sense into my head, to be there always and always and to LITERALLY be there when i got lost somewhere in Jakarta. :D :D ahahaha..
My girls will (hopefully) graduating by April 2012. First of all, I wont be around to share their happiness. the thing after that, I wont be graduating with them either. that's actually kinda....... sad, really.
and i'll miss my everyday things with every one of them. I'll miss Aloince, Bumbi, Rinane and Cindy's laughs, I'll miss their silly stories and the way they keep me happy everyday.
I'll miss my brainstorming session with Jude, I'll miss our little chit-chat for not-so-important things, I'll miss us being crazy singing this and that..........
I'll miss my refreshing time with Hoseki. I'll miss those times we were dreaming together and promise we'll support each other along the way. I'll miss our own quality time when we tell our stories. I'll.................

I will miss them.

For sure I'll be saying that postponing my studies at campus for a year will be WORTH the experience and excitement in Japan, but also for sure, I'll be saying that it's not worth one year of precious times i'll lost with my besties and family..........

but life is full of choices. and choice has been made... I'm not choosing either side. I choose both of them. I choose to enjoy my time in Japan as well as maintaining the friendship between me, my family and my precious besties. After all, having been bestfriend with Kevin across the sea for almost 8 years, I believe there are TONS of things friendship could do across the ocean.

beside, didnt i say it? Friendship like me to Jude, me to my girls at campus, me to Hoseki, it is a kind of bond than bind you to death. It has nothing to do with where we are. Because friendship stays in the heart... :) :)

So much for an update guys.. I'll be back with another updates. Dont want to get you bored reading a too long post. Have a good day everyone!
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To Be Stronger, Stronger Than Ever

Rey Lasano 7:15:00 PM
Hi everyone, this is me again, Rey, posting from the Earth after months of adventure and lost in Mars.

Heavy things are happening in my life and to be honest, I have no idea how I will go through things.

Last month, I lost my father.

Believe me, that was not easy to write. So many things are not easy to write for me now. I've been hibernating from any form of writing this whole month. I could not write anything. This blog, my undergrad theses, my movie reflection assignment, poem, diary, anything. I barely managed to even write email or worse, texting people. People I actually cared about, people I want to make sure that they know I'll be allright. But after weeks trying, I gave up. I cant lie to them and how could i make people sure i'll be allright when i myself know that i wont?

But as life was always be, shining stars were given to light my way. and even in times when i don't want to rely on their lights, in times when i just want to sit there and not moving anywhere, they keep shining and shining and shining and shining like they wont stop enlighten my way. they wont stop to try to make it easier for me.

I cant possibly tell you guys again about my lost, because it is still way too painful to write. But i can tell you this: a story about those shining stars in my darkest sky.

When the news about my daddy hit me, i was laughing to myself. i couldnt cry. i just laugh. seeing this as the biggest prank and lie someone ever told me. i was holding my cellphone and have no idea what to do with that thing. i didnt want to call A, for i think my mum must've call him or his mum, i'm savin my energy, i could not bring it to say "dad's gone" over and over again.

So i searched for Kevin's number but soon realized it was in my other phone and that phone has been damaged entirely. literally, you could not turn it on. I called his home, and now just realized how foolish that was. It was 3 a.m and Kevin wasnot even there. I dont know what was i thinking. And his father answered the phone, he was really surprised, i said i could not reach his son, and he said he'l ldo it for me.
then I called Jude and she didnt answer her phone and i know she must've been asleep and i have had no intention on disturbing her slumber. so i called Aloi, Bom2, Rinane, but they all didnt answer the call. For just one brief moment, i feel so....... alone. No one really wake up from my call and i'm sort of "where is everybody??" and this wasn't something i could face on my own.

and then i called Cindy and she was............. i must say Cindy is really the first person other than my family and A who talked to me about this. and her reaction was............................. extra flat. i was kinda confused, later on, angry, disappointed. her tone was just...... like it was nothing. she just said she was sorry and she'll notify the other girls. But i have no time on questioning that and i just said "okay then".

i rushed to the hospital with my family and A was also there but to be honest I could not really remember what was goin on, who said what and all. It's like i've been isolated from the other sounds and untill i saw my dad, I still believe that it was a mistake.
after i saw him, i think i switched into a zombie mode. i hear things, i see things, i said yes most of the time but i have no idea what people are talking about. it is hard to describe a feeling like that, moreover it feels like you dont feel anything. it was just....... and endless emptiness.

there i understand, grief is not something you can sympathize, much less empathize. it is something..... you have to feel by yourself so then you can understand how it feels. and it is something i've never felt before and it was really uncomfortable.

then my phone rang. i didnt recognize the number, so i presume it was just another relative who called to say they're sorry and blah blah blah, like ten calls i received before.
the first "hello" is the first sound i really UNDERSTAND after so-called zombie-like state. it was Kevin and he just said, "Ri?" like that. and i couldnt help but tell him things i havent tell other people before and it was hard because i tried hard not to cry and i didnt want him to feel helpless just listening to me. But there he was, staying there in the line. I have no idea what time it was in Berkeley back then, but i was grateful that he was there. I've been best friends with Kevin for such a long time and i know that he was not so good in words department and most of the time he could only say "well...." "well...." and "well........" but only his presence and warmth in his voice and his willingness to immediately called me and stay there untill i hang up the phone is the very thing i need from a best friend. Kevin's call comfort me as i know i am not alone. his call hugged me from across the sea to tell that when everyone wasnt there, he was. I'm pretty sure even when he is asleep, he'll wake up when i called. because that's what always happened when i called him by midnight in Berkeley's time, crying to him about A and everything. It was comforting. and warm. he ended the call by saying, "Contact me should you need anything. keep me posted."

soon after, Jude called. and to her, i could not hold my tears. i moved away from my family and A and i sat in another corner outside the ...room and i cried so hard. and Jude wasnt saying anything. but then this surprised me: she cried for me. the Christina Yang cried for her Meredith Grey. that is the last thing i will expect from her. she cried while she was trying to comfort me with wise words. but her wise words were just unheard. she was crying and crying and crying with me. her call, is the first thing that set me back to earth. Jude's call and her cry is the first thing that touch me and bring me back to reality. i am not telling lies. her call was certainly the call that open my eyes and activate all my senses that's been in zombie like.
why? because her call and cries strengthen me. because it was not a flat emotion or empty words of "i'm sorry to hear that". it was a call that hug me, it was a call that brings the same feeling when your best friend hold your hand and says "everything is gonna be okay and i'll stay here with you." it was a call, that have the power to boost your energy. a call that have the power to make you strong.
so when we ended the call, I felt better. it was still bad. it was still uncomfortable. but it was better.

Later that day, Aloy, Bom2, Rinane, Cindy, Dhani and Indah came to my house. They didnt say anything they juz ask me how i'm doin and try to make me laugh. they tell funny stories and behaved funny and smiled a lot, and i was sure they were doing their best to make me feel better.

and they did.

we went into my room and................ and in some point i ended up telling them stories about my dad, how i'm gonna miss him, how he was so good to me, and how i can not believe this is true. i didnt look in their eyes when i was telling them those stories. i couldnt. i knew the moment i caught one of their eyes, i'll burst into tears and i was afraid i'll be somewhat unstoppable.
But i finally looked up and..........................

and they were crying. they were crying with me and if only i could capture that moment into a picture, i'll keep it close forever. those moments strengthen you, you know. and suddenly i feel okay. i feel i wasnt alone. and altough right now i couldnt find better words in expressing this, but i am glad they were there. i am glad, i have true friends surrounding me..

Days, weeks after that in their own way each of them keep me company. i could feel their touch. not so many words from them, but so many hugs and pat on the back and hugs again and i feel safe.
Kevin constantly e-mailed me asking how are things with me. Jude keeps me company, telling me stories, inviting me to someday explore historical places with her and everything else. Aloy keeps me in track with my assignments and tests and classes. Rinane, Cindy and Bombi keep me laughing most of the times or at least, smiling, e v e r y s i n g l e d a y.

to have them in my life, i am truly blessed.

and through these things i know i have to grow stronger. to be strong, stronger than ever.
i think God has been planning this a long time ago and i know He wanted me to see different things from now on. Havent yet find what He meant, but at least i got one point He's trying to emphasized:

I have stars in my life. and they shine and shine and shine and shine and will neveer leave me alone through the darkest times.
and i love them. truly, from my heart.

i love you.

i do.

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