Hrrm....i keep my head pretty busy these days..
dont ask why, it just happened.
there are like a ten thousand things i know would not go the way i want them to.
somehow things that were so simple turn out to be more than just "complicated".
"chaotic" perhaps fits better.
i'm not saying that there is no happiness at all. in fact, i found little gifts life gave me to stand my ground. gifts like a weird and fun photo session with my girls, gifts like a CRMINAL INVESTIGATION book ( a super cool and full color book with simple language) Crystal suddenly gave me (oh i love her), gifts like the fact i've been accepted to the Volunteer Team at my college yesterday (YAAAY...!! *jiggy dance), gifts like finally i'll start the skating class today (YIPPIEE YAAY...!! *jiggy dance one more time!! :P :P ) gifts like i finally got the time, ingredients and recipes for a Lasagna (i'll let you all know if it's a success..to be honest, i dont really have any idea what to do with a bottle of tomato sauce, pieces of packed lasagna, and a half kilo of minced beef.. hahahahaha...oh, and dont forget the cheese!! *giggle)
to think about that, i really should be thankful of my life..
but a few things have come and forced me to stand back, and behind being thankful, also to re-think about things i used to believe, i used to trust, things where i thought i was right.
looks like i cant fight the world with only my egoistic idealism.
is "egoistic" an english word? *lol. whatever...you know what i mean folks... :)
someone ever said this to me:
"someday even a little girl like you would have to grow up."
and somehow i understand what he meant now. growing up. not a little girl anymore.
to be honest, what's really make me upset about all this grown-up issue is that,
i have to let go so many things and received the other things.
those other things dont even worth a half of things i have to let go.
so, i concluded that i dont want to be a grown-up.
i really really dont want to.
i remembered i ever told dad this. and he said, "even if you dont want to, you will eventually be. either you like it or not, and either you realized it or not."
and damn, he doesnt even be here when his prophecy finally comes true.
upset?
yes i am.
pissed of with life?
hell yeah.
confused?
damn right.
.....but still happy?
hate to admit, but yes.
see? i dont know how so many people say that i'm only a little girl (kucing said that maybe my petite body size encouraged people to think like that. geez, i should have a psychological-research on this. see if body size affected people's judgment on your maturity).
the point is, i dont know how they say that i'm only a little girl while they expecting so much for a maturity from me. people really think that i am a late twenties girl in my mind with a ten years old girl in my body.
for goodness sake i'm not really ten years old (altough i would very gladly to stay 10) and i'm not even 20 yet. i'm a teenager still with confused feeling like any other normal teens, and an unstable emotion like any other normal teens with high dreams and reckless behavior like any other normal teens in the world.
but hello, trying my best to act mature and dating someone five years older than me doesnt make me an ADULT in an instant blink.
looks like people have a hard time to understand that.
and...
urgghhh... i have a tons to write but the alarm with "bathtime" writings in my cellphone wont stop bugging me with its noise.
i so have to gotta go folks.
got this and that assignments waiting with the girls...
so till next time then.
be good and cheers today..
oh, and wish me luck with my skating class! have fun.. :P
