Words

Sometimes i got surprised by how words work in describing things and explaining feelings. by choosing the right words, we could simply emphasize what we mean, by choosing the match rhymes, we made them even more beautiful to read, by choosing the good language, we add our signature in every words we speak and write.

But then, as much as i got surprised by words' effect, there are countless times when i find that things are......... way too difficult to explain by words. too complicated to made a rhyme for what i feel. too abstract for me to search on a good language. there are times, when i feel my silence explain things better than my words.

and I desperately want somebody to know how exactly i feel, yet i just couldn't find the right words. there are times when i wish by just holding my besties' hands, they would automatically understand. like i could transferred my confusion, my feelings, my unspeakable thoughts, my pain, my worries, my sorrow.... everything that becomes too difficult to say.

there are times, in my prayer i couldn't say a single thing. and i just sit there, closing my eyes, bent down my head, and hope that Lord will see through things i could not explain.

i've never think of this before. that there truly exist: things that are really too difficult to say. too painful. and no matter how hard i tried, i couldnt let it out of my mouth. sometimes, i caught the glimpse of undersatnding in my besties' eyes, like they know it. know why i cant explain things, and they know what it is in my mind. but more often, i see they try their best to guess, what is killing me slowly from the inside.

i am a fighter. but the even the mightiest warrior knows exactly when she has to give up, not because she is no longer able to keep the fight, but simply, to end the fight with victory.
and to do that, she needs wisdom. a whole lot of wisdom.

me? please. i'm still searching for that box of wisdom. havent find it yet, havent know yet how to end the fight as a warrior. a truly one.


Another Way Around

I am SO VERY GOOD at embarrassing myself.
GOSH. Can I enlist that as A TALENT? EMBARRASSING myself??
so i follow my guts and for the first time i tell my acquaintance (i need to stop reminding myself he IS ONLY an acquaintance) about my bizarre gift and dream.

it's not like he's laughing on me or what, but i still feel so very not comfortable upon talking about this thing. but yet i feel a bigger urge to tell him and this is also in order to clear images of him being stabbed and all from my head. i already have plenty and too much other things to worry about and i dont need any other abstract thing to make it more complicated, specifically a bizarre and terrifying dreams.

oh, whatever.

i told him and to be honest, i kinda expected that i would feel relieved. comfortable. free of burden. not so scared and worried anymore. but in contrary, i feel...................................
so much worse. i feel even freakier. great.

.....well at least that thought doesnt last long. in a couple hour a slow warm and "this will be all right" feeling crawled into my heart. and then I realized that Jude was right. My part is to remind him to be always on guard, to keep his eyes on his steps, and to be wise in deciding things. That is my part and my part does not include FEAR of being such a freak, WORRY about what he might've think or might've tell people around him or EMBARRASSED of myself. I've done my job quite well. As for him, whether or not he took my advice i have nothing to do with that.

Another updates, Aloince is cracking her head off with her undergraduate thesis. Bom2 and I should be joining her in the messy final project of undergraduate degree but it seems we will be postponing it for another semester. Considering the still-running-classes this semester I don't know if I had any space for thesis, and thing like thesis needs MORE than a regular space in my head. But I'm supporting Aloince along her way and will be more than willing should she needs any support.

My classes are very fun this semester. So far I enjoy Clinical Diagnostic and Health Psychology soo verry mucchh and considering the expertise of the lecturers I could not ask for more. As for the other classes, well... let's just see how they go this week... :) :)

so i think that's all for now.
good night folks, and whatever you are gonna do today or tomorrow, good luck!
kisses from the stars.






100

BOLD what applies to you:


01. You’re currently confused about someone’s feelings for you.

02. You have been in a serious relationship before.

03. You own an iPod of some sort.

04. You do not like your sibling’s girlfriend/boyfriend.

05. You drink too much alcohol.

06. You have been to the Olive Garden.

07. You have taken medicine of some sort this week.

08. It is really cold in your house right now.

09. You are extremely dependent on others.

10. You do not like to express your feelings in front of others.

11. You ate a lot of food today.

12. It doesn’t take much for you to cry.

13. People consider you as a happy sort of person.

14. Someone in your family is rich.

15. You have been to Disney World or Disneyland before.

16. You hate when people constantly talk about themselves.

17. You are a good listener, but you hate complainers.

18. Someone has called you for a serious medical emergency before.

19. You have had a serious surgery.

20. Your house has a spare bedroom.

21. Your house is old.

22. You have at least one cousin under the age of three.

23. You have never held a baby before.

24. You can’t handle toddlers.

25. You have a painting in your room.

26. You have been to Canada.

27. You have been to Mexico.

28. You love cherry flavored lollipops.

29. You celebrate Easter.

30. You observe Lent.

31. You are Catholic.

32. You do not believe in God.

33. Religion is not important to you.

34. You want to have a small family one day.

35. You would rather have more sons than daughters.

36. You have more aunts than uncles.

37. You hate being too cold.

38. You currently are way tanner than everyone else.

39. You wear shoes in your house.

40. Your parents are clean freaks.

41. You are more messy than clean.

42. You are currently angry at someone.

43. Patience is so not a virtue to you.

44. Your desk is extremely clean.

45. Your bed sheets are either blue, green, black, or white.

46. When you hear “black & white” it reminds you of Katy Perry’s ‘Hot n Cold’ song.

47. You have no clue what that song is.

48. You think rap artists are completely pathetic.

49. You are glad George Bush is out of office.

50. Politics are boring to you.

51. You take a vitamin daily.

52. You feel like you are sick often.

53. You hate throwing up.

54. You think it’s gross when people set food down on their desk at school with no napkin.

55. You also find it gross that people sit on top of desks.

56. You are now cringing at the thought of someone’s food where someone’s ass was.

57. You love getting bubble baths.

58. You do not like chocolate at all.

59. You are allergic to nuts.

60. You have been stung by a bee before.

61. You have been to the emergency room before for something.

62. One of your parents is 50 or older.

63. You are the baby of your immediate family.

64. You hate broccoli.

65. Cooked carrots are good, though.

66. You go on tumblr too much.

67. You are really comfortable right now.

68. You like witty t-shirts.

69. You are a major fan of underground bands.

70. You have been on an airplane before.

71. You are not afraid of heights. (not much)

72. You consider yourself paranoid.

73. You have had a panic attack before.

74. The thought of being old and alone bothers you.

75. You would choose the elderly over children.

76. You feel like you’re living in the wrong decade.

77. You like the color green.

78. You think it’s way too cold outside right now.

79. You love the thought of sleeping in tomorrow morning.

80. You would rather go to bed early and get up early.

81. You feel like the early bird catches the worm.

82. You are a big breakfast eater.
83. You are currently suffering from the common cold.

84. You are craving something salty.

85. You have been in a car today.

86. There is something plugged in near you.

87. You have heard of the TV show “Private Practice.”

88. You do not like medical television shows.

89. You prefer horror to comedies.

90. You adore Leo & Kate.

91. You think high-waisted pants look good.

92. You hate cheesy movies.

93. You enjoy camping out.

94. Bugs bother you.

95. You do well in school without trying.

96. You are extremely jealous of someone currently.

97. You feel like you have changed a lot from 08-09.

98. You like energy drinks.

99. You like italics.

100. You know the entire script of Mean Girls.



I'm A Total Freak part Two

Sometimes it gets too hard to let things out of my chest. As I say before, i'm a total freak. i really am. why? because occasionally i "see" things in my dream. go ahead and laugh, i've been laughing at myself for countless times, yet they keep appearing through my life and i've come to the point when i say "Okay. this is not so funny anymore. I have to talk to somebody." to myself.

stop giving me that look like i havent tell anyone about this. i tried, all right? My mum, my bestfriend, my brother. they all give the same reaction: they look at me and show that they care and understand that i got some scary experience yet i always get the glimpse that they find it hard to believe in what i'm saying, or worse, they dont get the idea why i feel so freaked out and scared. like, oh please it's just a dream. pray and get over it.

well, it's not them who experienced a terrifying images of warning about someone without being able to warn that someone, because it is not such a normal thing to tell an ACQUINTANCE.
i mean, what the hell do i supposed to say, "hi, how are you? listen, i had this bad dream about you last night. i saw you got stabbed and bleeding so badly. so whether it's right or wrong, i want you to be very careful, all right? have a nice day."

seriously folks, JUST WRITING it already makes me feel like.............................. like i have lost my mind. frankly if someone who is my MERE ACQUINTANCE, which means he or she is not even my "regular-i-talk-to-you-everyday" friends, come and talk to me like that i will most likely react like this: "er.......okay. thanks for your concern, i really appreciate it. but......... you are so........... weird. have anyone told you that?"

i talked to Jude and she said i should just go and tell that someone. for at least i warn that someone and i should not even care about what that someone would think.
i think........................ Jude is quite right. I should've been tell this someone since the very first time i got the dream, because it could be that now is already too late, when my dreams starting to come true in real life.

I dont know why most people (Jude's an exceptional. i love ya kid) I talked to about this dont see the reason why i got so worried. It has nothing to do with who i dreamed of. It's about the fact that i couldnt warn that guy but slowly seeing him got hurt just as in my dream. It's torturing me seeing the fact that this guy is the LAST person on earth I'll tell about "superpower" in dreams. As if my life is not complicated already, here comes those dreams with this PARTICULAR guy in it.

I'm having a migraine. I need to sleep.
urgh.