Vie van Allegre

Dear folks...

Dear friend,

I know more than anyone else how scared you are. I know that in each day you would wish you still can go to a new place all along together with your friends. And I know saying goodbye never get any easier and I know you have been wondering when you will ever see us again.
I know that learning language is hard. I know you would choose not to endure that if you could. Or, you would bargain that it will be not a problem if only you could take us all with you and learn together.
I know theses is difficult and you have to give it your all and sometimes you just want to quit when even your "all" is not good enough. I know your Academic Advisor acts like he does not understand at all the condition you are faced with.
I know you love your dad so much and you dont want to make him worried, not when he needs your full support right now.
I know you hate to realize that you are going to be so faraway from your closest friends and your most comfort zone.
I know, that this time you have no idea how long it will take before we could see each other again.

.....You are more experienced than i ever was in this kind of thing. But I do think that God let me go first so that I could fully understand what you feel. And it ain't easy, to be so very far from people you are so used to share your days. From people's laugh you always hear every single day. From people's smile and stories and hugs you always see and got everyday. It ain't easy and it will take a long time before you finally get used to it.

Me, I so easily got lonely here. I really can not say that I am already get used to be far from you girls. I dont think I ever will get used to that.
But I met amazing people who teach me amazing things. I was given the opportunity to learn more about life, even if for me, it is more like the hard way to do it. I learn to grow. And I learn to value friendship more than ever.

At least there will be your family with you. And your heart will stay with us forever and our hearts will go with you forever. Believe me, my dear, there are certain connections that let you know your best friend is in trouble and need your help. That connection show you that no matter how far you go, you will never be forgotten.

I know exactly how you fear to be forgotten because i was there in that place. I have been there and I know nothing other people say will fully assure you that you will not. But I will not forget you in any way. You know there is this magic people called "internet" and there is this magic i called "bound". We have been through so many things together, we share the good in life and we share the bad things. and we still do it, don't we? Sure, time sometimes prevent us to do so. Sure, the place you are heading to is like on the other pole of the earth from here and sure skype-ing maybe become even harder. But dont you forget that as long as you believe we will always be together. Some says that the core of a friendship is you dont need to talk that much. We are connected to each other and I do believe that someday we will meet again. We will definitely find each other again.
Let's see the other part of the world together. Let's visit world's amazing places every year! Let's make a travel plan! Let's send a shared scrapbook. Let's pray for each other every night. Let's study and work as good as we can do and let's meet up after that.

My dear friend,
whenever you are in doubt, just believe that true friendship always, always, always stays in your heart. we will never be away.
Sometimes letting things out of control is okay. Then you can see from the outside and slowly take your control back. Fill your thoughts with positive things, sings out your heart and dont worry too much.

It is okay to be scared, just don't let it rule your heart, your mind and your days.

I believe amazing days line up in front of us. We might walk different paths in different places, but we are housed under the same sky and step under the same planet. We can't be that far, can we?

stay strong there, stay strong. and have faith. You will be all right.

Love and prayer,
Your friend

I have a project of enjoying my time here in Japan, stop or at least less complaining and completely have a fun life here. Turns out, the very first step to do that is to literally be back to my own self.
It happened at some moment here in Japan that I start fooling myself by not acting as the real me. By worrying too much, way too much about what other people think, relating it to the reputation of my home university and how my actions would affect the hard work my seniors did and affect the welfare of my junior in the coming years.

For real man, I aint living for myself here. I live for other people, for justice's sake. I live for my university and my seniors' reputation, right now I can't think of any even more stupid way of living a life than what I'm doing right now.

And, at some other point, which is literally just now, I realized that I can not achieve my goals if I dont stop being a pathetic one, who keep pitying myself and grow even more miserable in a place where I should kiss the stars, wake the sun and touch the sky since literally I should HAVE living MY dream right now. Instead i'm acting like i am not living my dream.
and this is enough. I have been so really silent for most of the time, when dirty politics and people who are not related to me, people who should mind their own business and people who dont know me at all judging me, keeping me on the edge and somehow MANAGED to change me, to follow their thoughts, adapt their behavior and act like everything they say is right.

The hell with it.

I am no longer going to do this. When people touched my PRINCIPAL values and they don't stop bugging my very own comfort zone, hell back off. back off now before i really bite you. If you think my life so sucks that you need to lend a hand in a way you think would fix everything out, go screw your own life. People got their own life to be cursed on. There is this barrier that keep certain pieces of my whole identity, existence and core of a self i could called "Rey" and this barrier is my own. Things here starting to slowly reaching my barrier and I have had enough.

From now on I am not gonna stay silent when they start bugging my own life.
Screw all the dirty politics, screw all the authority.
i am living my own live right now, i will keep my responsibility as best as i could but when it comes to things that are against my very own principal values, uh-uh, wait just a minute. I aint living here to be praised and well liked, i aint being here to say yes to everything people say.

I am me. for what i do, what i think, and what i say.
if they dont like me for who i am, i have no reason to change me so they will like me.
i am not letting this going any farther, i am not letting people and society robbed my personality, killing my views and even tough it's not always easy to speak out, at least i show what i think.
i am going to live myself like i always do and should anyone have problem with that, i should not even care.

I always got amazed on how teachers could have so much influence on us. I remember I wrote about a teacher called Mas GG back then at Atma Jaya and how i was fascinated by his passion of teaching, how he found happiness and joy in teaching his students, and how he treated us as equal, as colleagues and as students.

Never did i thought i will also be fascinated by a sensei here in Japan. I have seen my senseis' passions here in Japan. How they worked so hard to make everything is easily understood by us, who really, are beginners in learning Japanese. I have seen them downloading Portuguese dictionary to help student who does not speak English so well and I have seen them inviting a native speaker of Portuguese from the higher level to help in class. I have seen them using so many pictures and easy summary, flashcards and tools to teach. I have seen them tried their best to create a fun activity that makes it possible for us to interact with native Japanese students in classes. I have seen them patiently listen to our messed up grammar and weird pronunciation. I have seen them listening eagerly to our stories in classes, even tough we always had problems in explaining things, mostly because we don't know the words, or we do know the words but we just dont know how to put them together in a sentence.

Today, I saw a side of a sensei that surprised me so much, a side of him that I never thought I would ever seen. It was to discover that maybe, all this time I have been looking at my teachers, all of them, in Indonesia and in Japan, with only one eye. :)
Turns out that them, being a teacher, being a sensei somehow always have their way to connect with you, to touch you, to teach you, and that by choosing to teach, they have given their all for the sake of their students.

I am amazed to see that through my education years, formally and informally, I have met the teachers that have taught me from their heart. Teachers who found that their student is as important as their choice of job for living. Teachers who found happiness and joy in listening to their students, in watching they grew smarter, and in advising them to be a better person.

Today, one of my sensei here in Japan surprised me by his wide knowledge of another cultures as well as his deep understanding of his students' condition. Being a ryuugakusei, or a foreign student, you got all the fun, but you dont miss all the flaws and hardship you have to endure. It was all in one package and by receiving all the exciting things and advantages you could get, you were also sworn to take the down side respectfully, with a high sense of responsibility. I was kinda surprised because somehow he acknowledged the condition in my dorm, which was really really strict, controlling and limiting you acting as your own self, that as a very normal person you would most likely first react with refusal, anger, and too many 'whys' and 'they cant do thats' in your mind.
it is not like it was THAT bad in the dorm. Everything is nice as long as you understand that you have to give yourself time to adjust and give other people time too, to adjust with you. New things never got easier, seriously. But when the adjustment things are through, as long as you stay true to yourself while learning the important values of living together, then you're gonna be all right.

This sensei, somehow pointed out to me things that I did not see before. He did not pick side, neither 'foreign students' side nor 'the dorm's' side, yet he tried to show me what he thought was wrong, where the problem really rooted from.

He also shared his views of teachings, how he perceived students and how he sees himself as a teacher. In classes, we usually do all the talks and he would correct us when we do mistakes or help us when we are struggling with grammars and vocabularies. He let us speak so often and I rarely heard him speak about himself or his thoughts. But today I listened a lot to his thoughts, his interest, his experience, some of his habits, and his points of view. It was really amazing, concerning that being a teacher he knows the basic things of me and my classmates since all we do is talk about ourselves, our experiences and things in our home countries, but me and the others rarely know things about his life, beside his full name and that he ever taught in a university in Singapore for around 8 years. I dont even know where did he live or how he get to the university until yesterday!

From our rather long but easy chat yesterday, I learned a lot of things. I began to see that he really love to teach, more than I ever realized. I also see that he put a lot of attention to his students, even into little things that I did not even remember I tell him in classes.
His insights and his determination somehow makes me reflects back on those teachers I have ever had through my life. And truly, they inspired me. Inspired me to be a better person, inspired me to have the same determination, the same passion, the same attention in everything I do. Right now I am not at all thinking of being a teacher, for I think I need to experience more and more and more first before I could consider myself as one, but seriously, I would be happy to give my all to things that I really want to do, just like they give their all to teach.

Ever since I came to Japan, I often complaint on so many things. Things that are not working as I want them to, things that are different, things that in my opinion is not good at all and things that somehow make it harder to live in Japan. But because of this particular sensei's insight I realized that in living my life in Japan, I havent yet give it my all. I havent yet do my best and I havent yet work the hardest.
I havent yet put my passion, my determination in learning the language and completing the dream I've been chasing all this years. This is just halfway and I havent give it my all.

From now on, I want to live to even happier in Japan. I want to see things from a different side. I want to give it my all, to feel more thankful and to enjoy my time here, to fill it with my best memories and to learn things more and more.

By the waym I got a feeling that maybe, just maybe, there are other teachers that are also passionate, determined, and nice in KANDA, but maybe I just havent got the chance to know that 'side' of those teachers, since they have been act so unselfishly that their students become their first priority.

There are still a lot of things in my mind but Kanji books began to scream to me to start studying since I got this test tomorrow and I haven't memorize anything. :D
I was about to complaint, but, well, I have promised i will try my best first!
I think this is also what my father wants me to do. :)

I'll catch ya all very soon folks.
Kisses from the stars!
Hug your loved ones tonight. :D

Some of my friends have been so much in love lately. Among them, there are also people who were broken hearted, who were unbelievably happy, who were without any reason feel like smiling everyday, also there are people who questioned if what they are doing is right, people who feel sad because they were rejected for a non sense reason, and people who were wondering if they should just give it up or keep chasing the pavements even if it doesnt lead anywhere (hell yeah Adele, i love ya! xD )

To those people, right now I really have nothing to say. for me myself have been trying to arrange my own heart slowly and neatly. for the next time i dont want to be wrong. for the next time i wish it would be forever and for the next time i wish it will last as long as God let me live.
somehow sounds cheesy, or evenmore, silly. childish? yes, maybe.

But someday maybe you will understand why you feel like smiling all day.
Someday maybe you will understand why you wake up hoping he will drop you a message.
Someday maybe you will understand why you have to choose between letting it go or chasing t through
Someday maybe you will understand why you have to be rejected

Then after everything is through, someday you maybe finally find your someone.
Sometimes I wonder, should we grew up someday, do we still look at love the same way we do right now...?
When we grew up someday, will we look back and laugh at how we think about little things like we do now?

for everyone of you out there, who happened to understand that your journey is still so far away,
be strong. stay through. have faith. dont stop believing. trust your dreams. fight for them. most of all..... be happy.
wherever you are, whatever you do, whoever you want to be.

the ‘Karaoke’s playlist’ I always had with the girls back home in Indonesia. Two of them were ‘To Love You More’ and ‘If You Touch Me Like This’ by Celine Dion, which definitely took my thoughts directly to Rinane, Loince, Dee, and Bombina.

Those days were really peaceful, happy, exciting and warm days.

I can almost recall their voices when singing the songs, their dances, their faces, their expression, the light setting in the karaoke room, the music, the atmosphere....

To realize that I really really really do miss them an

d more than ever, I wish they were just a breath away not far from where I am (which literally means I had to transport them to Japan and maybe would not happen untull next five years or so ahead). Sometimes I wonder if putting their pictures all over my desk is actually a good thing to do since I always almost cry everytime I see those pictures. But then again those pictures are my mood booster every morning, my way to keep them here with me, miles away. Their pictures are the smiling graphics I see every morning when I wake up, I see everytime I checked my windows before I leave my room and those pictures accompany me through my many hours of writing report, learning Kanji, me

morizing vocabularies, and I am happy I put those pictures there.

I miss Jude to the point I never had before. There are always times when I what I want to do is jump to the phone and call her. To tell her things I’ve seen, secrets I want to share, problem I need a realistic head to help, to have a friend who sit by me in a coffee shop talking about life, and where to go to travel next month. T o have someone by me to catch movies every week and talk about it all week, to have a friend to run to the nearest bookstore and starting to spending money on those books, to laugh when a cute boy walked passed us, or simply to share the warmth of friendship.

To have a friend who stand by me whenever i am weak, whenever i am in need of help, whenever i need a pat on the back, whenever i need a slap in the face.

I miss her so bad. Skype and emails are so nice and I am so thankful for them, but it is different. It is different when the person is there, that you know they are within your reach. When things got worse, you can still ALWAYS run to them, knocking their doors, they will provide protection and hugs and warmth and love for you. When you are miles and miles and too much miles away from them, you cannot expect to go home anytime you want to and knocking their doors to get a hug.